Not Enough?

(This post follows continuity with yesterday's post, "You Fail The Test?")

Whoever loves money never has money enough; whoever loves wealth is never
satisfied with his income. This too is meaningless. (Ecclesiastes 5:10)

One thing: Don't underestimate no one, my friend.

I have come loathing the word "enough" for a time to now. This is how the Merriam-Webster defines it: "occurring in such quantity, quality, or scope as to fully meet demands, needs, or expectations." Oy! How much we expect from ourselves! (There are 96 bits of "enough" on the NIV Bible.)

Humans (myself included) spend a vital part of their time trying to do stuff they can't do. If not (myself included), they will spend another vital part of their time complaining that they couldn't do enough. If I sang enough, if I cried enough, if I cooked enough...

We will always find the most possible way to push ourselves to the limit, of what we cannot reach. The same with our life. We can't work enough to do something; we can't hurry ourselves enough; we can't pray, read, or fast (or do any other spiritual discipline) enough. Enough, enough, ENOUGH!!!

So I pointed out that we will never do enough to win such fabulous glory. (News flash: we can't!) Now, as I say on most of my posts, "I will rely on God's grace." As one song says, "Your grace is enough, more enough for me..." (Yes, This is Our God, from Hillsong!), and I believe it! We will never be enough to win Heaven. We weren't meant to! But God is more than good, more than enough for us to sing and know we are His.

Not enough? With God, he is! (Wow! "Enough" has more than I can bargain for!)

You Fail The Test?

Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you—unless, of course, you fail the test? And I trust that you will discover that we have not failed the test. (2 Corinthians 13:5-6)

I'm a quiz addict. I love taking quizzes. (Hey! I need to put my logic into something!) I tried to make one, but I didn't. (Took too long.) Also, I'm a straight-A student... until now. (I got a B on Math.) This one focus changed what I know. I can pass a test easily.

Not when I signed up for Christ's Army! One of the things of my walk is the empty of my knowledge, knowing that His knowledge is more than what I can get for. Now, I can pass the hardest Puerto Rico History test (gimme an hour) , but I can't pass His one test: His Law.

You may scratch your heads, but it's true! I can't kill, but if I lie, I'm a transgressor. If I don't steal, but I lust over someone, I'm a transgressor. See? My faith will be vain. If I swear, or if I talk too much (this I need to improve), I'm still transgressing. See? Whatever attempt I do, I will still fall short, even on something.

Bueno, not exactly.

If Jesus died on the cross, that is more than enough to open my eyes and see that with Him -and Him only- I will pass the test of faith. Of love. Of mercy. Of grace and truth. With Jesus, all tests will be aced, because the Ultimate Master aced it when I accepted Him as my Saviour.

I will think about this when I'm taking my SATs next year...

My Eyes Unto You

(This post follows continuity to yesterday's post, "Heal Timer, or Time Healer?".)

Since I wrote about how much the so-called "Gay Scandals" to my life, God has picked me up in His grace. Only Him, and only Him knows me well. This makes me reflect: what can I be without God?

Sharing this experience has become a DEFCON-1 for me. I know by faith that God has touched hearts, and there's no need to get further. God knows my pain on telling- nay,- writing such horrendous and shameful past.

But forgive-and-forget has not worked out for me. Surrendering my past to Him is harder than I thought, even with the largest of faiths. But there's a hope:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12:1-2)

On what hope can I count on! Now, guilt has -and shouldn't- pick up where my sins have left. As guilty as I may feel, my eyes are fixed on Jesus for help, grace and life.

Turn your eyes to Jesus today... Because no condemnation holds for us, and we are free by love.

Heal Timer, or Time Healer?

"See now that I myself am He! There is no god besides me. I put to death and I
bring to life, I have wounded and I will heal, and no one can deliver out of my
hand." (Deuteronomy 32:29)

...Or so I thought.

Every time I'm bummed, I hear "Amazing Love", by Hillsong. Beautiful song. It makes me think how wonderful is God's grace; more, His love. How deep is His love for us! But how we can fathom it?
With summer dwindling in my book, a pending reset in America, and a pool of uncertainty, things in the past have haunted me back again. And I have to open up.
(I am so gonna regret this.) I have faced 20 months of Hell blaming myself for watching... (I can't key at this point.) gay porn. God saved me from whatever I was sliding too, but the goings went worse. (Throwing my skeletons off was not what I planned.) This battle raged to the point of living a double-life in secret. This is why I hate July.
It wasn't until a computer virus that it stopped. Now, every male ab in TV freaks me out. Every shot down the belly to the pelvis drives me in a panic of crazy. God has forgiven me, I know. But, has He timed my healing, or has He healed my time? I do not know. But have I healed myself?
Just the thought that "gay porn" was in my lingo shivers me to this day. Just the thought that I couldn't control myself, not even with my parents, makes me tremble. Does that make me part of who I am? No. Who I was? Yes. But the testimony has marked me. Forever. Now, to whom can I tell this embarrasing experience?
Can I take the good from the bad, the one that I myself created? Can God heal time? Can God time healing? Can He erase my name, just so He can write it better and more clearer? Can I pray without driving guilt as my force?
Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes and Yes. God can do all of this. Jesus paid for it, and He made me righteous, declared me His Son. Title I'll be proud of hanging all my life. God has healed time, made it start over. God has timed my healing, not on a second, a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year, but all my life.

Thank You, for sharing this experience is hard on me, but it served as a value of Your love, Your time, and Your healing.

I Remember...

Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced, O descendants of Israel his servant, O sons of Jacob, his chosen ones. (1 Chronicles 16:12-13)

This is the coat of arms of Quebec, the French province of Canada. It has a striking mix of French and English heraldry, but what strikes me is their motto, "Je me suviens". It means, "I remember".

Like the Texans say, "Remember the Alamo", we are commanded to remember those goals that God made in us that looked impossible in humanly carnal eyes. Who told that God couldn't make a beautiful vessel from paper? (Ask me. I don't know.)

Who got you out of that addiction?
Who got you out of that problem?
Who got you out of that trial?
Who fed you, clothed you, gave you the money, gave you the skills, gifts, and all of this Earth for His glory?

Who more than God that gave His son on that cross so you can enjoy His love in full glory, not only on Earth, but in Heaven too?

I will remember every day that Christ saved me from death, death by sin, the worst of its kind. I will sing to Him realizing that the King is soon to come. I remember... that Christ is in me.

Therefore, remember that formerly you who are Gentiles by birth and called
"uncircumcised" by those who call themselves "the circumcision" (that done in
the body by the hands of men)— remember that at that time you were separate from
Christ, excluded from citizenship in Israel and foreigners to the covenants of
the promise, without hope and without God in the world. But now in Christ Jesus
you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.
(Ephesians 2:12-13)

Reflections of a Plant...

Can you grow a plant? Yes.
Can you choose the seed(s)? Yes.
Can you choose where the plant will grow? Yes.
Can you create a pot where the plant will grow? Yes.

Can you know how much the plant will feed? Maybe.
Can you know when's the best time to plant a plant? Maybe.

Can you pick the lighting that the plant needs? No.
Can you pick how fast or slow time will need for the plant to grow? No.
Can you know why there are more plants that we will ever need or care to? No.

Can you know that God takes care of plants like He takes care of us? Yes!

Then, if I'm a plant in His eyes, His beautiful eyes, then why can't I give up my control to Him? How much, if a plant can't talk, can give praises to Him by the wind? How can my Father receive me in His courts? How can I be a plant of shade, of refreshment, of blessings and mountaintops? Why do I feel shortened, or beesed, or burned? Can God take care of me like He does with nature?

Saturate me, oh Lord, for I am a plant in Your eyes. Let my surrender, be it little by little, or a whish of my life, glorify You as my Father, King, and the provider for me, Your own plant in the garden of Heaven.

He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers. (Psalm 1:3)

Be it words of blessing for you, day or night.

(Thanks to Kung Fu Panda for the idea!)

Everything IS Everything!

I can do everything through him who gives me strength. (Phillipians 4:13)

Oh! What a great mix of words! Everything IS everything! Christ will always be there with him, on sickness and in health, for better or for worse, until death- or His coming- do us part (never happen!).

How much I thought that singing will never be on my reach! Or blogging devotionals. Or going to America to live. Or writing songs. Who knew!

There's a lot I wanna do; so little time. But, short as short, God is still there on the harsh, the soft, the break, the mold, the easy, the power, on the most trivial, and the most important.

Why would I want to leave Him for the world? What has got to offer for me, anyway, if not a big ticket to fire and brimstone down my tush?

Lord, thank You, because Everything IS Everything. Even in the most crazy of times.

There's Something More Than Humiliation: The Follow-Up!

This is the follow-up of the now-famous humilliation rant that I gave yesterday.

To those who have not sync-ed in to the blog, I was ranting heavily about my inability to defend myself and being heavily picked on. I was pretty and strongly upset for this, and I used strong language (not cursing, y'know!).

Meanwhile, I thank rEVO, Kaza, Cambover, and Steph for those words and their encouragement. I feel very blessed for these people, and those that have also read it that I don't know about. It was kinda relieving taking one of my crosses and showcasing it to the Anglophone world!

(Sé que la gran mayoría no entiende el español, pero les agradezco a todos. Dios los bendiga, y !el blog va a seguir!)

The blog must go on!

There's Something More Than Humiliation...

...that can make me feel like crap. (Yeah! I said it!)

I'm sick and tired of being insulted and me not saying anything. I'm tired of Googling "why people can't (insert)" on there. I'm tired of questioning to God WHY I HAVE THE FLAW OF NOT DEFENDING MYSELF FROM EVEN MY OWN FAMILY! I don't know if I'm weak or just a plain idiot, then why I like to be humiliated, bashed, verbally beaten, and a plain masochist? This ain't Mamut talking, I'm totally OOC here. No Mamut is talking the pain; I'm the Joe that has feelings and that has dignity unknown.

Why I can't rebound from my own problems? Why do I have to linger pain and guilt of my inability to cope with such things, and then hear my mother's anger? How much do I have to pray, fast, and read the Bible to get an answer? How much do I have to handle before exploding like an idiot? How much can I go before bashing myself in front of everybody in Cyberspace!!??

Writing is not helping, not one bit. It hurts that someone says to me an "idiot", where I can't find peace, where I'm hit in my jugular. Where I fell wounded, hurt, torturing... myself.

Lord, help me realize my weakness. I'm being too earnest, but please break me where I need to bre broken. Strenghten me where I need to be strong. Make me rise in my weakness and start over, not to question Your paths, but to be glorified in me. Where I can go, covewr where I fail. Remove all guilt from me, and all my brokeness. Forgive me for not beaing at ease with the things taht happen to me. I ask for Your wisdom, where Your power is made known where I feel hurt, broken, and confused. In Your name I pray, according to Your will... AMEN.

That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (1 Corinthians 12:10)

Fix It, Then Break It

I was going to write about hipocrisy, and how it's affecting the Church, especially where I live. But it wouldn't be fair, as I would end up doing the same, and for the wrong reasons: to call out "potential hypocrites", and not for the glory of God. Plus, the title has something more to say:

So I went down to the potter's house, and I saw him working at the wheel. But
the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter
formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him. (Jeremiah 18:3-4)

This is the typical quebranto situation that I get oh,so enlightened, so sick to hear from in my Pentecostal Puerto Rican mindframe that I'm not clear of. God breaks you, then molds you. Then, if you're an imprudente, you get broken and molded again! It's an eternal process -or, cue ominous music- proceso that all our lives are upon it.

Though, I think I have found a loophole in its theology: if one's strong, he'll be broken to be weak, recognizing God's grace. But if one's broken already? Will God break him more than enough to the point of no return?

God will not give us more than we can handle. He knows where to break, what to break, how to break, and why to break. His grace is made complete in us. So, what He can be "breaking", or "quebrantando" in our lives, He may be cleaning us. No one likes to be broken, not one bit. But He uses ANYTHING for His glory, so we can be complete in Him in all.

Fix, break, or, break, fix. God will never get tired of that equation. True dat, He won't finish until His second coming. But, at least, we get to know what is holiness in His eyes.

Hossanna!

My (Clueless) Life...

I had an off day. Usually, days at church will be unattended by personal circumstances. Don't get me wrong- I always enjoy church. But what puts me in the downs is this: I'm a circle jerk. (Not like THAT jerk. Just that things happen to me over and over again because I'm careless.)

I don't have common sense. I have the struggle that millions of people in the world have: no differerence between knowledge and common sense. Knowledge can be obtained by books and learning; common sense is obtained by things that are -well, you know it!- common. I have gone myself into the same troubles over and over again because of my lack of this. I may be innocent, but I can be a shmeggegie in things of common role!

But woe is me, shredding myself to pieces when I can do something about this! Yeah! Just run to Christ and say, "Cover where I fail", that prayer when I realize I'm stupid enough to do anything I want to. I guess I need to pray more for wisdom, and find it in the Word. Though the Bible is unchecked with many answers to daily life, at least Jesus is glorified through my weaknesses. I imagine this one is part of it.

I'll pray to God to be more alert, more opened, more... commonsensible and act like I know He'll be glorified in doing!

For giving prudence to the simple, knowledge and discretion to the young...(Proverbs 1:4)

Leave your simple ways and you will live; walk in the way of understanding. (Proverbs 9:6)

Binding and Loosing in Worship

Simon Peter answered, "You are the Christ, the Son of the living God." Jesus replied, "Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah, for this was not revealed to you by man, but by my Father in heaven. And I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it. I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven." (Matthew 16:16-19)

I'll be careful not to get out of context!

Jesus asked to His disciples about what the people though about him: He was Eliah, Jeremiah, even John the Baptist! When He asked His disciples, Simon said that He was Christ, the Son of God. Jesus was marveled by that bold statement, knowing that God illuminated his heart.

Jesus put a blessing into Simon, He changed his name to Peter, which means "rock" in Aramaic and Greek. And the church will be built on it. (The Catholic Church sustains that Peter was the rock; this is impossible, as Jesus Himself is that foundation where the church stands.)

But it interests me that Jesus installed on Peter the power to bind and loose, to say yes or no, to prohibit and permit, by Heaven and to Heaven. !Not even Hell can take that power!

It also interests me that not only Peter gets to enjoy this blessing. WE DO TOO! Not only on prayer, but in worship also. When we worship, we declare that Satan is impotent (powerless) to do us danger. It's as bold as declaring "You are the son of God". And if we combine it in prayer... what CAN'T we do?

Bind and loose when we say "Hallelujah", my friend, for Hell will tremble at its doors.

One Rest

Therefore, since the promise of entering his rest still stands, let us be
careful that none of you be found to have fallen short of it. (Hebrews 4:1)

Amidst swine flu problems and an economic downturn, God still calls us for that rest that many have lost on, even Israel, His own people. As things get worse, there's still some time to soak on His presence more and more, bit by bit. I wrote this song recently, because I was ridden with guilt. (Yeah, stupid thing.) I was on church in the morning, and I wrote this, based on Hebrews. That one rest can still be lived here, day by day. Let's look for it.

If You hear His voice
Don't harden your hearts
Like the day of the dsert
Tempting our God
Testing His patience
When He said: "You will not enter My rest"

Now brothers, here then be saved
Serve Him in every way
Feart that you enter His one rest, one rest
Where Jesus forever will remain
Where His people will stay
To the Heaven we will sway
His one rest, one rest.

Till The Ends of the Earth

But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth." (Acts 1:8)

This is one of my favorite verses. It states that the reign of Christ will come till the ends of the Earth. I wrote this song because God is worshipped to the ends of the Earth.

Till the ends of the Earth
You are worshipped forever and ever
Let the screams of joy resound
Let the Spirit of life touch down

The Asian dance of love
The African drums of praise
The European nurture of the Highest
The American* future of today
The Oceanian fruits of care

Let Your glory be raised, oh Saviour
Let the world call You up
Let the Spirit of Jesus raise the hearts
Of true worshippers all around

Till the ends of the Earth You are worshipped
Till the ends of the Earth You are worshipped
Till the ends of the Earth
We will raise our voice and sing Mighty God

NOTE: The term "American" is used not to refer to the USA, but to the Americas as well.

The Altarsong

Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young— a place near your altar, O LORD Almighty, my King and my God. (Psalm 84:3)

I love to write songs. Since the past year, I have been writing many songs. I love music, and I love to sing. Yet, I'm not interested in playing an instrument...

As part of the worship series, I'll show some of the songs I wrote, so you can sing to it, too.

The altar is the most important part of the church (the building) and of our hearts. In church, they do altar calls. (I was raised Pentecostal, and I love it!) Though many people think it's botched and unbiblical, God has been glorified in it. Also, many times I love to pray close to it. It's a great sense of worship, too.

A few months, I wrote a song about this (Yes, in Spanish), not only about what can happens, but what can happen when you get close to the altar?

When I am close to Your altar
My heart starts to tremble
I'm indefensive

The Chruch begins to worship
The beautiful grace of the Lord
I feel inside me

And I humble unto You, my Lord
Because You have changed my whole heart
To You I give, to You I give
The largest worship and praise

And I'll be, and I'll be
Just a simple servant
If something I've afflicted
Forgive me of my sins
Jesus, You know what is inside of me
Recieve my whole heart

I can be a dot on Your side
But my life You have saved
The value has been put in me

I can recount my God
That In me something new I'll do
Jesus, take my new heart.

Hope You'll Return: The Revival That I Won't See

O LORD, I have heard thy speech, and was afraid: O LORD, revive thy work in the midst of the years, in the midst of the years make known; in wrath remember mercy. (Habakkuk 3:2, emphasis mine, KVJ)

Souls have been reaching the church I go to since this year. As things get worse, things get better. People are helping more, praying more. There is more enthusiasm in the youth, kids and adults. The church is getting bigger and bigger. There's more to see. A revival has begun.

That small church that I go is receiving a blessing from God that's oh, so hard to get in this time. Too bad I won't see it... fully as I want to.

The jovenes are planning to go to a villa in Dorado -a town in northern Puerto Rico- for the weekend. Because I'm going to America, and my mom wouldn't let me go. The self-pity party has begun. After such a beautiful worship service (or culto, as we say), it's kinda hard to sink to the reality that there's a revival that I won't see.

What's gonna happen next? I don't know. God lets man suffer from good and bad so we realize the unpredictability of life (Ecclesiastes 7:14), but this goes way weird. Right now, swine flu's attacking the island, and we don't know what's gonna happen.

Anyways, there's no way I'm gonna slit my wrists because I'm not gonna be here with them for long. Because I'm not with them, that doesn't mean that I can't share with them abroad. What happens if they go to America to a place close where I live? (I'll pray for that.) What if God lets me do a revival back in Maryland or in DC, New York, or Alaska? If I return back to Puerto Rico, what about that? If I go visit summers? I can still share with them, my friends and brothers in Christ. I can call them, worship with them, and even single them out (kidding, maybe!) while playing and chatting.

Maybe there's no reason to beat up myself for this. The revival I won't see can make me see and be part of a whole new one.

If Our Hearts Condemn Us...

This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts
at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than
our hearts, and he knows everything. (1 John 3:19-20)

I am flat-out the most self-concious person I know. Yes, I'm not twisting the Word so I'll look more guilty than the rest. I just read, pray, and write. What John refers is: how we love our brothers and how our conscience plays out becomes our assurance to salvation. Yea, I know I'm not perfect in both of these. I do my best to love the jovenes (since there are weeks left), but I told someone I wanted to strangled them after a retreat Sunday. (He was my cousin.) Ouch! Didn't help. My conscience was convicting me of asking forgiveness. (Or, it was me?) After the culto, I forgave him... twice. He didn't care much, but he did accept. I felt free.

Now, something's up (didn't went to church yesterday) with myself, and this bit is not helping me. Our hearts condemn us, so does God. Or, does He?

How could the God who died in the cross for humanity make me feel guilty? Yes, a God that knows all deep about me, my emotions, my chunkiness, my heart, can let some guilt fly. Just to know, the work of the conscience is to play the judicial aspect of us. Though guilt can help us, there's no reason to have it now. Our hearts condemn us, but God knows more. Yes, it echoes His view of us, but that doesn't mean He won't stop loving me.

If our hearts condemn us, I'll ask God the source of the problem. When I realize it, I will ask for forgiveness, and He will set me free.

Adonai!

How Could You Run?

I quote from the Breaking Dawn Preface:

When you loved the one who was killing you, it left you no options. How could
you run, how could you fight, when doing so wuold hurt that beloved one? If your
life was all you had to give you beloved, how could you not give it? If it was
someone you truly loved?

It may look strange. But compelling. Because Jesus did that.

C'mon. I dare you. I... dare you. Who would face the cross in such a valient way like Him? The devil though He looked like a wimp dying for sinners, but how could He run? How could the Son of David, the Star of the Morning, the King of Peace, run for us? How He could not give to his maximum creation the gift of eternal life? That we have pierced him, sinned, transgressed, burned and lynched Him, how could He run? To give His life as the most pure offering, even needing to be extra-refined in fire and gold, to His own father: how could He run? What many people thought that was masochism, how could He run?

But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed. We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the LORD has laid on him the iniquity of us all. He was oppressed and afflicted, yet he did not open his mouth; he was led like a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is silent, so he did not open his mouth. (Isaiah 53:5-7)

How could you run, if all you have to do is... believe?

We The Redeemed...

In your unfailing love you will lead the people you have redeemed. In your
strength you will guide them to your holy dwelling. (Exodus 15:13)

It's incredible that we sin. EVERYDAY. Our actions will never measure up for Heaven. Our actions will never, EVER, EVER make us righteous enough for Heaven. What will, for my dismay? All humanity was condemned -and still is- to reign on Satan's flight. He has control of this earth, for now. And still, we sin. We are imperfect.

But Jesus became our Redeemer. His death became our life. No matter how much we sin, what we say, or who we defy on, our eternal joy is sealed. WE are the redeemed. His words became an expression of love, of faith, and of reason. WE have the reason of our faith: our love in Him. His blood became most payment for the most precious act of love ever seen on this earth. And WE will worship God like we were already in Heaven: because our worship is deficient and imperfect today, but tomorrow... "GOOOLD!!!"

Take this exerpt from Hillsong's, "We The Redeemed"...

We the redeemed,
hear us singing
You are holy,
You are holy...

Hope You'll Return: Swine'n Dreamin'

In America,

• I want to win a state song contest with a song in Spanish and English.
• I want to go to proms.
• I want to go to pep rallies and homecomings, to school parks and confraternities;
• I want to worship to sing, maybe I'll be a leader of some sorts.

There are more dreams, but something has come up.

Knowing that swine flu has now reached Puerto Rico raises bars on my eyes. Knowing that death(s) are now confirmed wants me to take my hopes off. Knowing that there are 686 cases in Maryland up-to-writing? Lord, we have problems...

This is just a reminder that Christ is coming. As a believer, I have a hard time choosing between YEAH!!! WELCOME BACK!!! or NO!!! NOW, I'LL NEVER GET TO DO ANYTHING!! This tells me: will I be able to acomplish anyone of my goals?

Praying, I told God about this. He already knows my dreams, so I'll skip that part. I came to the moment of surrender. Will I want to give up all my dreams, singing, leading, studying, realizing that at every moment God will want to come pick up a holy, clean, special church?

No. I told Him No. Then the guilt-o-meter clicked in. I thought that I had denied Christ by saying no. I thought that you can't say "No" to God, or He'll smite you with a lightning bolt. Not that I denied Him; I wasn't ready to give up all my dreams. I am not yet.
But it shed some light for me:

I can do everything through him who gives me strength. (Phillipians 4:13)

God lets us dream, even though we have our personal mountains, flus, death, even financial crisis. God knows, mind you, that He has known us since before our mothers' wombs (Jeremiah 1:5), and being the most important part of the creation, we also have the privilege to dream with Him, about Him and for Him.

That "no" to surrender my dreams for Him, I have already done it with recognizing Jesus as my God. All of our dreams are His, and He knows what to do.
So I CAN be a normal, human being. Where time is running out, He glorifies and gives me time enough to pick up all my dreams.

Thank You, Adonai, for my repentance became Your beginning.

Don't Leave Love and Faithfulness!

Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man. (Proverbs 3:3-4)

Love? Faithfulness? Neck? Heart?

Can I get a pencil, find a doctor to make an open-heart surgery and make him write in my heart "Love and Faithfulness" so I won't leave them hanging? I don't think so. I'm not gonna kill myself.

This verse follows around the blessings of wisdom in our lives. God loves those of contrite and humble heart, those that realize their weakness on His eyes. Those that look up in the Heavens except of their regional American, British, Canadian, or Australian Goverments for help,favor,mercy, and justice. (Yeah...I forgot Puerto Rican.)

God loves those that know the weight of their sinfulness under His presence. God pleases in surrendering -nay-, trusting Him in the stormiest moment of their lives. God loves prudence in those who worship Him in spirit and truth.

Can there be here? Yeah... no, yes! YES! SI!

God pleases in remembering daily that Wisdom -Christ- came knocking down our door, and we let Him open and enter. Don't let Him let go. Because the only way that we can reach love and faithfulness is Christ.

All for Your glory, Lord Jesus!

Cover Where I Fail...

Wanna be saved? Easy. Just recognize that you're a sinful person, and that Christ is the ONLY thing that can get you to Heaven, and He died for you on that terrible (and splintery) cross. That's it! Now, God paid the bill. He's Your family now. Welcome! Bienvenidos!

Yet, I won't assure you that you won't pain your way in this walk. You have to fail, complain, fail, humble youse, fail, avoid sinning... Did I have to mention fail? (I have to listen to my own sermons.)

Meanwhile I'm shvetzing over trials and sins, I have made them. After converting, yeah. After baptism, yeah. After puberty...er... yeah. I'm working on it; don't get cocky. I may have gotten A's all over my life (till now, I have a B in Math), but in this one, I HAVE failed. Miserably.

Though God is not about trials, He recognizes our (self-earned) humanity. He knows that we will never be high as the Everest or low as Death Valley unless He wants us to. He will let us fail when it falls on His purpose. Only on that. But, we fail because we want to also.

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. (1 Corinthians 10:13)

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.(Hebrews 4:16)

Jesus never looked to the expectations of Israel. He was seemingly frail, weak, poor. He looks like he never fulfilled anything, a complete failure. But the devil knew that His death was power. His failure to the world... was a success to God. The only person who even cared for us dared to die for us, too.

Now God loves us. This is why I pray, cover where I fail. And you can pray it, too.

Hope You'll Return: Where Time Can't Be Rushed

This is part of a series in which I discuss my personal dismays in moving to another country.

It's over 10 weeks since my dad has left to Seattle. He's just anxious to see us. He has missed my awards, my sister's graduation, Mother's Day, Father's Day, my mom's birthday and -soon- their anniversary. This makes ME anxious. And we still don't know when we're leaving!
*sigh* It's depressing...

As much as I groan about it, I know this:

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares
the LORD. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than
your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8-9)


There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven...
(Eccleciastes 3:1)


Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out
your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. (Psalm 62:8)

Realizing that I'm a control freak, God knows that He knows what He's doing. I may get desperate, fight, question, or freak, but God will still fulfill His purpose -being to His glory. We're guessing to leave by late August to September. Jesus is the only One, where time can't be rushed.

Got Whine: WHY!!???

This is part of a series in which I explore my personal dismays.

I know well the 5-W questions that they hammered to us in English: Who, what, when, where and why in that order. We use each in our daily lives, but WHY is the king of questions. Why, should you say?

Why, O LORD, do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?
(Psalm 10:1)

With this question, I can talk about Job. He knows human suffering well. Yet, the book is compelling whether God is fair putting up trials to those He picks to. Job just wants an answer, and God knows that we can handle it, so He gives it to us (1 Cor. 10:13). I guess... this is one of them.

As we're talking, a bunch of people from both developed and in developing countries are aching for this economy. Why it ain't recovering, why is our lives in the slump, why is this going so wrong, etc.

A lot of people have questioned their purpose in life. I did. A lot of "Why's" pop up, especially those that are extremely woven into our hearts. Most of the populace are teenagers who look for the rest of their lives. Why will always pop out.

Hey, you, you know yourself well. It's okay to ask God "why". Maybe He won't answer... yet. Maybe the desert road is better for you. "Why" is just a question. God can handle it. Now, don't get too imprudente, but feel free to ask that "why" to our God.

Got Whine?: A Little Bit of Israel

Yes, I spoke to you about hope numerous times. I have realized many things that have given me confidence in my walk. That God knows me well, yes. That He knows I can be a plain boob at times, yes. That I have an attitude problem...

This is where I regret saying it, huh? But it's true! It's not that I'm an arrogant, self-centered, over-nationally-prideous (if that's the word), nasty-ish, know-it-all, holier-than-thou, Shrek-like mongrel or so. It's not that my pride goes in ways that even Satan won't budge to go. It's that... in a small corner... there's this still corner of negativity. That I try to brush it out, but I can't let it go.

My mother has rebuked me from this every time I say something with a negative connotation. It's a great test, knowing that I will fail every time. (See?) Go to church, pray, fast, read Bible... But it's deeper than that. It's a challenge thinking that I won't be perfect enough for God, and it's confusing! I have a little bit of Israel in me. (Yes, I'm a gentile!)
It's not racially; It's in the attitude. Take it here:

All the Israelites grumbled against Moses and Aaron, and the whole assembly said
to them, "If only we had died in Egypt! Or in this desert! Why is the LORD
bringing us to this land only to let us fall by the sword? Our wives and
children will be taken as plunder. Wouldn't it be better for us to go back to
Egypt?" And they said to each other, "We should choose a leader and go back to
Egypt." (Numbers 14:2-4)

Now, Israel were perfect whiners and grumblers. God gave them some shows of power: manna, water from rocks, quails until they hated it, and still... They wanted to go back. Why are we that way?

We can be so clingy and needy at times. Why people make themselves happy saying someone negative? And I HAVE TO KILL IT! Not shove it down deeper into my heart. With that, I will rely on God's grace. But knowing that I have more blessings than aches won't cut it! (See?) At least, His grace will cover me, and still, God will bless me anyways. He pleases that I recognize where I get an "F", and He'll do this for me. Moaning and grumbling won't help me please Him, so I'll (do my best to) slap on a smile of His love. (Wow, it really helped me!)

This is why I pray: "Cover where I fail."

It is finished!

When he had received the drink, Jesus said, "It is finished." With that, he
bowed his head and gave up his spirit. (John 19:30)

When the Founding Fathers wrote the Declaration of independence, the famous second sentence rings to me:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that
they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that
among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. Yet, this
declaration has a sweeping independence declaration, which all ties from Britain
(nothing personal) are cut officially and now: We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.

But... we have a better plan.

When Jesus died, we became independent from all forces of Satan, from all ailments, sins, and troubles. Those words broke temples, gave earthquakes, and rose the Son of God to the Heavens. Even though this letter was written by man, the divine Providence of God let them realize their freedom.

God has made us free. Let's celebrate!
*****************************************************************
God Bless America!

Hope You'll Return: Here In My Life

This is part of a series in which I discuss my personal dismays in moving to another country.

As I write, I'm hearing "Here in My Life" by Hillsong. Why?

Today's my mom's birthday. I won't tell her age. I was gonna go to a youth visit to Juncos, a nearby town, but I didn't go to stay home. As I write, I am happy that my mom has another year of blessings, but sadness is also in my heart. (OOOHHH, DEEP!)

We saw my dad a half-hour ago in a webcam. He was in my uncle's home after going out and eating sushi. We laughed (without the mic on, but we saw everybody) about papi's jokes and his friends'. We had a good time. But he was sad. It's the first time so long that they're apart. Mom was also sad. Now, as I write, sadness enters in me. I guess it's called... compounged. I know, yes, that this moving thing must suck to you since I blab about it every day here, but the wait has just rubbed out on me.

The only thing that has maintained us afloat -and for me, sane- is God. Even though I'm the only Christian in my household, that doesn't mean that hope is not in our vocabulary. I don't talk alone like the crazies (and I'm in queque!), because I know He is in me, with me and over me. I know that this waiting will pay off. I just don't know when. (For starters, I do not consider this a trial.) But, this will maintain strength:

No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame, but they will be put to shame who are treacherous without excuse. (Psalm 25:3)

Shhh!!!!

I'm happy that we finished half of a seemingly critical year. I don't know what to expect tomorrow as we start July, I'll do my best to start it in silence.

But I have stilled and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with its mother,
like a weaned child is my soul within me. (Psalm 131:1)

"Be still, and
know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in
the earth." (Psalm 46:10)

I'm a talker. I talk, talk, talk too much. It has quite made me in a lot of trouble, but that makes me who I am. *sigh* I have to worry about something, nag about something, or my life ain't complete. Yes, my beloved, I am a worryaholic... in recovery.

I haven't known the value of silence. I even used to pray at 4:30 in the morning before going to school and take it as my 'quiet time'! Now I refer them as the 'evangelical quiet time'. I don't know why. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and some Fridays, that was my breather of prayer. Now, I can take time throughout the day. Better!

But I have found my ways. A post called "He doesn't speak" in a random blog made me reconsider. I thought that you had to do the talking while He listened (He's a great therapist!), but shutting up for my God was partially in my agenda. But, at times, we're gonna have to go 50/50 for Him. Another song, "Word of God Speak", by MercyMe, has also introduced me in this novelty which is not reserved for 'evangelical quiet times' only. Another blog post named "Being Still", by Called Her Blessed -she's my favorite blog!- also helped me realize the importance of silence. The list can keep on and on... But I've put up on not doing the silence thing for fear of falling asleep. (And I do!)

But, as I sat on my bed, I did my best not to talk. I closed my eyes, and did my best to think about God. As always, I fell asleep. In church -prayer service-, even though I arrived late -I don't drive yet- I reminded myself of this verse. So, I did my best in shutting up. But this means to shut up MY MIND! Oy vey!

The silence thing is sooo vexing! Meanwhile, I'll do my best to keep quiet as I enter my God's presence and do like Mary Magdalene did, not like Martha: contemplate His grace. On bed, on church, on school, even on the computer, and in myself, God can make us awe in love.

SHhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!