He Keeps My Blessings (I)

(I wrote this song at school months ago, when I was burdened by life and trials. I sang this at Christian Club a few days after. Months later, I am reminded of this song. I'll come up with my thoughts later...)

You are more than enough
You are all I need
The light shines in wonder
Your grace plainly I will see
//He keeps my blessings//

More than my struggles
The Lord is wonderful
With freedom He is exalted
The One that set me free
//He keeps my blessings//

Holy One, King of all compassion
My Lord, my God, Savior of the Kingdom
Mighty Jesus, Mighty
He keeps my blessings (X3)

More than a simple emotion
More than a life changed by God
More than a mere imperfection
His hands are raised by love, for love
He keeps my blessings (X3)

I Want Him

Even in a moment, a brief flicker that is life, things seem to go to waste. Time just runs past you like it never does. You can’t keep track of it, ‘cause it’s worthless! You just have to keep living!

And there are the rules.
And there are the emotions.
And there is common sense and logic.
And there is convenience.

I want to break all the rules.
I want to say all my emotions.
I want to forget common sense and logic, even for a brief moment.
I want to forget what’s convenient for me to do, and do just what’s in my heart.
I want to express what I can’t express.
I want to forget about numbers and figures, names and dates.
I want to forget about applying for college or leadership programs or honor memberships or worship conferences (though I would be delighted!).
I want to forget about choosing to stay in America or go back to Puerto Rico.
I want to forget guilt and terror, sin and pain.
I want to pray with no shame, distractions or random sleeping bouts.
I want to ignore this mortal reality and live in an eternal one.
I want to forget being uncomfortable about seeing Christian events/CDs/DVDs when around with my family…and stop thinking about “lone wolves” and shout for what I am even MORE than what I do now.
I want to live my life to reflect a true religion, yet I want to enjoy it as best as I can.

I want Jesus, and I want Him now.
And I know that He wants me, with no need to, now.

Dumb Fleece

Gideon said to God, "If you will save Israel by my hand as you have promised- look, I will place a wool fleece on the threshing floor. If there is dew only on the fleece and all the ground is dry, then I will know that you will save Israel by my hand, as you said. (Judges 6:36-37, NIV)

I’m straddling between ska, acoustic worship music and Flyleaf. Menial musical details aside, I’m afraid I’m going to pull out the fleece again for God to prove me He’ll move heaven and earth FOR me. I’ve read this last year, and a pastor referenced it when I was at the school Christian Club. I have to write an application for a leadership program in the District by Friday, and it’s starting to doubt if I even have the chops for leadership. Some things seem to work against me…

It seems certain that God wanted Gideon to deliver Israel from the enemy –again-, but how much believing would this cost? In this chapter of Judges, Gideon asks God to do three things:

1. For the angel of the LORD (that’s a reference to Jesus) to receive an offering of meat, unleavened bread and a pot (v.19-22).
2. He places a fleece to the threshing floor and asks God to have the ground dry and the fleece wet with dew. Naturally, He does that (v.36-38)
3. Last one, he uses the same fleece to do the converse: have the ground wet with dew and the fleece dry (v.39-40)

He recognizes something at the last one, though: "Do not be angry with me” (v.39). He was actually plagued with doubt about his role in God’s mission of liberation. He wanted God to tell him that he was the chosen one for that, when in fact, God CHOSE him already! Take a look at this: When the angel of the LORD appeared to Gideon, he said, "The LORD is with you, mighty warrior." (v.12)

It seems like we sometimes want God to confirm us things. I don’t believe its wrong to ask God when we sometimes grapple with doubt, but what if it gets to the extreme of asking God to shake a big worship service and see the angels and speak tongues if THAT will make us closer to Him? We have a thing called faith that God Himself bestowed to us; unfortunately, we don’t use it that much.

If God called me to lead, He’ll call me to lead.

If God called me to serve, He’ll call me to serve.

Do I have to ask God to move all I have just to make me have faith? "Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed." (John 20:29, NIV)

The Drought

(Everyone sins. I know I did. For a bit (and this happened yesterday) I sinned on some thorns I can't get off. I was guilty-naturally; I fell apart, slightly apart. It wasn't until today I could finally shake it off. While talking 2 my Aussie friend from NS, it relieved a bit. This also gave me an idea to write: it took a while to write it in my cellphone and write it over in my notebook while I was in the library.)

Rocked by the waves, back and forth
I'm tired by the motions
Wish You would come down and save
'Fraid I'm braking something

My God, how much must I hold
tempted to my contempt
I need You closer, washed and folded
Tried and trialed again

Must I return now to my past
No way I'm not going back
I can't find You in this drought
I can't find You in this drought

I will smile when the mist takes over
I will sing when the melody stops playing

I know that even in this place
I know that even in this time
I know that even in this land
I know that You are here

(NOTE: I sang this song at today -Friday's- Christian Club.)

Train to La-La-Land

Elijah was afraid and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there, while he himself went a day's journey into the desert. He came to a broom tree, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. "I have had enough, LORD," he said. "Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors." (1 Kings 19: 3,4, NIV)

Aargh! There are things that make me want to get that express ticket to La-La-Land…

With God and school, I (almost!) ace well. I work my good grades, and I pledge my allegiance to God, my Savior. Though my 4.0 GPA is shot as of now (amidst my uncle trying to impel through me that high school is just a step to college), I still play this game decently. And God is still my número uno: He is the reason why I’m so happy of writing about Him moving through my life.

Of course, there is the obvious private, “secular” (and I use this in quotes, as He still weaves through), personal life. This is the one I miserably SUCK living on. I can’t work my way through logic and a healthy sense of humor. I easily get spaced out at any moment through time and space. I still can’t force myself to change. I can’t focus on one thing without thinking or doing another at the same time, nor get yelled –actually, it’s “talked loud”- for no reason.

La-La-Land is not that far from where I live: it’s enclosed in my brain, waiting for the second I want to leave this planet and inhabit there. It’s not a land of fluffy clouds and ponies and princesses; rather, it’s a land of concerts and universities and Solid State Summits (y’know, the metal part of Tooth & Nail?). It’s easier to deal with life that way. Ignoring reality, the logic I (hopelessly) can’t define.

…but it’s worthless at times. I’m not living my life anymore; I’m living God’s life in me. Running in La-La-Land seems a perfect escape, but it works as a nightmare at the same time. I don’t have to deal with pain nor neglect, logic nor yelling; fear and letdowns, nor truth and justice. It IS easy to run, poor Elijah, scared of death by that…woman called Jezabel. It’s easy to ask God for an escape (I should address “quick fixes” later). It’s easy to sulk and mope (as I am doing now, I cannot lie) because of a hurt or a crash that made you week- physical, mental, spiritual or emotional.

Our La-La-Lands will be extinguished, or at least, minimized. God will finish the work; it’s up to us to start it.

Still to be Stilled

"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." (Psalm 46:10, NIV)

At these moments, I have a slew of college brochures I picked up from a fair I went in Landover early in the morning. I’m bordering in the line of arrogance (this I must admit, it’s easy to cross it), even when I get the deviousness to try to do things my way. And, of course, the new one: I’m starting to dislike the word “still”.

God knows my gripe: this adverb is making me crazy! (I feel sorta uncomfortable saying this, but I must get this out of my system!). “Still” means limits: I’m “still” not prepared to go alone to A; I’m “still” not allowed to work on so-and-so assignment; I’m “still” worrying too much...and so on. The word makes me slightly aggravated at a certain point. However (and I am breaking grammar rules), it is true: life works at God’s time. When He says I still can’t do this, I still can’t do that: simple as that!

Still also means just…plain stillness. A sense of quietness must be perceived. If there are things that I “still” can’t do about, my life will be (and is supposed to be) at peace with that decision. I recall David’s want now: He wanted to build a house to God, but Nathan told him that he wasn’t doing it; in a sense, it wasn’t “still” time to do the temple. He did console David, as he held part of the house of the living Christ.

I can recall God doing so in my life. Last year, in the midst of the whole hoopla of my father being outside the island, I was asking for freedom of spirit. I also wanted freedom in Christ (which I obviously have). On a Friday in church, I stepped up to the altar. I asked for that freedom I wanted…but the answer was, “At its time, says the Lord.” More than enough, that freedom I asked wasn’t “still hanging”; it was and will happen.

I was loathing the word “still” because it acted like a catalyst for boxes. Truth is, that “still”, that annoying adverb that may seem harassing at times, is the one that I need at times to work my way through life. There’s a song from Hillsong, “Still” that reminds me of the only thing I can do right…

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father You are King over the flood
I will be still and know You are God

Bailing and Relying

Papi bailed me out again. No, I wasn’t in juvie (nor I intend to at these moments).

When I was in Virginia, I lost my wallet (it was a gift for an exchange of presents in 7th grade), but it only had a few dollars, non-essential papers and my debit card from Puerto Rico (it was cancelled before coming here). My uncle bought me a new wallet with a chain on it…with a motor-like façade (rock star!) Alas, I have an unfortunate Midas-like effect: everything that’s handed to me (sans papers or tests) can break, rend, lose and/or get misplaced. Bad habits…

Today was not the exception. Going to school, I had money already on my wallet and needed some to pay for a college fair. Only fact is that the wallet was NOT in my pants: it was in my home, on the same wardrobe on top! I texted Papi (thank God for technology and cell phone plans!) so he could bring my wallet back. Though he was gonna yell at me; instead, he grinned and laughed.

Without my parents, what are the odds of me starving for idle carelessness? It looks that I will suffer indeed, but I need to learn how to play the game of life on my own.

"Will the wild ox consent to serve you? Will he stay by your manger at night? Can you hold him to the furrow with a harness? Will he till the valleys behind you? Will you rely on him for his great strength?"
Will you leave your heavy work to him? (Job 39:9-11, NIV)

I don’t know until when must I stop relying on my parents for everything, but I know that my reliance is on God alone. If they leave, it would take me a while to adjust to the fact that I’ll be running solo from now on; even with that, I rely on God alone. Whatever happens, things have to change…but not at my time…

Don't Know My Way

But today I am freeing you from the chains on your wrists. Come with me to Babylon, if you like, and I will look after you; but if you do not want to, then don't come. Look, the whole country lies before you; go wherever you please." However, before Jeremiah turned to go, Nebuzaradan added, "Go back to Gedaliah son of Ahikam, the son of Shaphan, whom the king of Babylon has appointed over the towns of Judah, and live with him among the people, or go anywhere else you please." (Jeremiah 40:4,5, NIV)

Everyone has their own lives. It doesn’t matter if I call them or not, people will still live. The Earth will keep spinning on the axis God designed. The fact of me being here is not that I even wanted to; yes, I hoped for a change, but God chose for this family –the Romero-Martinez family- to go all the way from their island eighteen degrees from the Equator to a place in a big nation. This journey I have taken with all my heart, but are my days counted?

As much as a year is around when my dad left to take care of my uncle in Washington State, it’s also time for a not-so-sudden decision: where will I go now? I do not know if it’s God’s will for me to stay or leave. Questions pop up so frequent in my mind: What if this happens? Is it safe? Where will I turn?
What about Jeremiah? He was given a choice: he could go anywhere he wanted. Jerusalem was ripped to shreds, but the world was still his oyster. Unusually, he received a recommendation to go to one of the officials of the king of Babylon. If he wouldn’t receive the recommendation, where would he go? Would the story change?

This is the time I can’t rely on myself to do a choice. What makes us unique is realizing that a fork on the road can either make it or break it, but in the end, the experience was worth it. Maybe God wanted Jeremiah to go to one of the king’s ministers and stay there. I know He’s here, but it’ll take me a while to make a choice. Maybe He doesn’t want to rush me.

He knows that my mind will soon be made up.

Harrowed be To Freedom

…Because you will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your Holy One see decay. (Psalm 16:10,NIV)

Today is Holy Saturday. In this day, it is said (but I haven’t heard this as much) that Jesus descended to Hades to preach to the “souls in prison”. This is known as the “Harrowing of Hell”…yet something’s so interesting in this point!

I’ve found that the verb “harrow” is an archaic, 12th-Century word for “pillage” or “plunder”. Pillage is “the act of looting or plunder, esp. in war”, while plunder is “to take the goods by force (as in a war)”. If Jesus descended to the depths of Hell, then, he must’ve taken some souls to His bosom. In 1st Peter 3:19, they use the word poreuo, which means “to lead over, carry over or transfer”. More interesting!

Amongst the analysis of these spirits, little is said about His voyage to the depths of the world. If Jesus descended to Hell, then He took away these souls.

But if Jesus descended to our Hell, He took away our past.

Don’t we see ourselves in a Herculean Hades sometimes? Tantalized, whipped, beaten, destroyed in matter and form, life can cook us up some pain in any way or reason. We do look at our pasts, as horrible as they are, and mark them up as crosses we have to carry. That’s where Jesus takes us from that pit and slides us upon a rock. The past is done with, he harrowed it away.

Holy Saturday is more than a middle point for the saddest day of the year and the happiest day of the year (bueno, different people view it that way). It marks the beginning of a new word we would hear to this day, till the end of time: redemption.

Forget the past, He is risen!

The Lamb was Slaughtered!

Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted. (Isaiah 53:4,NIV)

It’s a normal day, I know. But not so much for me...

For many, the bells of gorging ring close as Lent arrives to a triumphant end. For others, it is THE most somber and sacred day of the year. Even others scoff at the reality of this event, in which personally I consider the most important in humankind.

The Lamb was slaughtered. For a reason.

It was time enough for Someone up on the highest who willed to offer His own life, give up His own Kingdom, His own realm, His own riches since the beginning of the beginning of the world…and He came here for us puny humans. I’ve heard from a pastor back in PR that told us that He could’ve known what He was headed for, beforehand. Ouch! That must’ve hurt! He would’ve known all the pain that He was going to endure. Wasn’t that Lamb powerful enough to get Himself out of all that trouble?

Of course He is. But He didn’t do that. Why, do tell, was the Son of God willing to take up such pseudo-sadistic agony just for humans who spit on Him? Why was He so willing to take pain and sorrow and sin if He didn’t need to?
Love doesn’t seem to cut it. But it was the only way. Love suffers all, and indeed, love suffered that pain of the cross, that agony untouched. Love is the only reason we are standing on our two feet right now (or in this case, sitting on a computer!).

Isn’t it great! Someone who doesn’t need us for no reason wants to share His freedom with us! Isn’t it more than enough to wash our lives with grace?

For this Lamb I will love my God forever…The Lamb was slaughtered, but He spared me from death!

Have a great Good Friday and Easter weekend everyone!