(This was written later than the rest of my musings. However, I have it in order of sequence…)
Sorry if I bore you again. I have to take this off my chest.
I’ve seen progress. For the first time, I could actually make a living out of life. For the first time I could choose what I wanted. There are many things that I’ve seen, and I don’t want to get off from it!
But we’ve hit a brick wall. We learned that the house we have lived in over twenty years-the same one I grew up in- was on its way to be sold. Damn focus! I wish we wouldn’t dream a lot. Now my parents are searching homes around there, rent and proximity to my old school preferably. My mom doesn’t drive, so she needs somewhere accessible to her needs, while my dad needs somewhere accessible to his lier! (And these lines are in contention, hehe)
Stupid security! From a place where I actually had to struggle, to a place where I know I’ll excel (and a grade where I don’t need to struggle). From a thousand choices fro the future to actually two or three close to you (where everyone goes, either-or kind of way) . From a place where nobody cares to a place where everyone has inherited rights to run your life with the greatest of intentions…if you let that happen. From a place where joking is common to a place where basilones stay forever…Honestly, it sucks.
I am selfish. It hurts my dad to see that he hasn’t w
orked for a year, and it hurts him more when I sigh out of distress. He can’t pay my education here, and he won’t waste nineteen years of experience on a place where layoffs and politicized work are the norm. My dad needs to take care of my grandma, and most of my family is back there. He’s given up much-everyone did-, but I still don’t know what have I given up. I don’t’ want to let go..I don’t want to go with the stupid flow…I don’t want to drop it…
And yet, God is calling. I’m afraid to see all this pocavergüenza going on, all this violence and terror. It’s not use to go to one’s porch, since no street is safe now. It’s pointless to go and see women get killed, teens get murdered or drugged, politicians are dragging us to hell, and a people grilled to indifference. If God is calling us back, what do we have to do then? There are no answers, there are not dates…Am I becoming like Jonah, unwilling to surrender to God’s will?
(To be continued…)
